Session 4: Sex & Finances
SCRIPTURE READING
Genesis 2:24–25
1 Corinthians 7:1–5
1 Corinthians 10:31
Acts 20:33–35
2 Corinthians 9:1–15
REFLECTION
There are many sources of conflict in marriage, but generally speaking, sex and finances tend to cause the most conflict. We tend to experience a higher level of vulnerability when it comes to these two issues. Everything you've already discussed about setting expectations, loving each other sacrificially, and communicating well will be indispensable as you discuss sex and finances.
When it comes to sex, a married couple literally bares their bodies. That's an incredibly vulnerable position to be in. As a matter of fact, the Bible describes the perfection of the first marriage by saying that Adam and Eve "were both naked and were not ashamed" (Gen. 2:25). It's remarkable that our first parents did not feel shame while being naked in one another's presence. There are two possibilities that would explain this. The first is that Adam and Eve had perfect bodies. Perhaps they weren't ashamed of their own bodies, so they weren't embarrassed to show themselves to their spouse. That's a possibility, but only because Adam and Eve were the only two people to experience a world unstained by sin. What seems more likely, however, is that despite potential insecurities, they trusted one another. There is no need for shame when you trust the person who sees you in your vulnerable state.
Due to the pervasive nature of sin in our world, we can't get back to that state of sinless perfection. But the possibility of shamelessness due to trust still remains. Ideally, the person before whom you can be vulnerable and unafraid is your spouse. But it's difficult to get to this point of being naked and unashamed, and it takes work to maintain that status. In truth, sex requires us to be vulnerable physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To initiate sex, to share our desires and concerns, to experiment—these things require baring our souls, not just our bodies.
Just as we revert to manipulation when we're afraid to communicate openly, it's easy to attempt manipulation when we're afraid to be open about our sexual needs, desires, and fears. Instead of telling your spouse you would like to make love, you might joke or hint to try to get them to respond. That's not always bad, but if you're purely trying to get your spouse to do what you want them to do, it's probably not loving communication.
Depending on what your life experiences have been, you may or may not have had sexual experiences with another person. No sexual history is too broken for God to redeem, no person is too sexually broken to have a healthy sexual relationship in the context of marriage. The truth is, we are all sexually broken! So it's not a matter of whether or not your sexual desires and responses are bent or broken, it's simply a matter of how you respond to that brokenness and how and you spouse will work to create a healthy sexual culture in your marriage. No two marriages will look the same in terms of sexual dynamics. It's as personal and beautiful as the two of you. If you've had sexual experiences in the past, those are irrelevant to the sexual experiences you're seeking to build with your future spouse, unless those experiences indicate some fears or concerns that you'll need to discuss with your spouse.
If one or both of you is coming into the marriage with little or no sexual experience, then that's great news! You get to set the sexual culture within your marriage without reference to anyone else. But that doesn't mean your sexual journey will be simple. Even Hollywood portrayals of sex and exposure to pornography can shape the way we think and feel about sex, and we can't let the assumptions we gain from these avenues go unchecked. The key is to communicate well and communicate regularly. It's awkward, but you're building a sexual relationship that will last throughout your marriage. It's worth the effort! And keep in mind that you're not in a rush. You won't have the unique sexual relationship you're beginning with your spouse figured out on your wedding night, by the end of your honeymoon, or by your 10-year anniversary. Take your time and enjoy every stage of the experience.
Perhaps surprisingly, when it comes to your financial stewardship, many of the same concepts apply. You need to communicate well up front and continue to communicate. You'll want to talk about the financial situation you bring into the marriage with you, your financial goals, your level of spending, your bills, and so many other practical issues. Who will pay bills? Who will do your financial planning? How will you pay off your debts? How will you afford the things you need and want? The specific answers to these questions are less important than the healthy communication patterns you develop to continually address them.
The Bible actually says a lot about our money. The biggest biblical theme is that God owns everything, but sets us as stewards of his resources. We're warned against hoarding goods and money, against the deceptive nature of wealth, and against using our money without any compassion for those who are suffering. On the positive side, we're called to work hard, to give generously, and to meet people's needs. In the Old Testament, Israel was called to give the fist 10% of their wealth to God—this is where the concept of "tithing" comes from. In the New Testament, we're not given a specific percentage to give, but we are called to give generously—even beyond what we think we can afford to give.
Money is frequently a source of conflict because we rarely have as much as we want, and we typically want to use it for our own comfort, safety, and dreams. The more you can express and assess your financial goals and desires with your spouse and other trusted mentors, the healthier your relationship with your money can be.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
How did your homework assignment from the previous session go? Is there anything you'd like to share based on that experience? Any insights or challenges you received?
What formed your view of sexuality as you were growing up?
How would you explain a healthy sexual relationship? Be both theological and practical.
Can you speculate as to how you might keep communication open regarding the ongoing health of your sexual relationship?
What formed your view of financial stewardship as you were growing up?
How would you explain healthy financial stewardship? Be both theological and practical.
Can you speculate as to how you might keep communication open regarding the ongoing health of your financial stewardship?
HOMEWORK
Set aside for two important conversations. You can do both in succession, or you can spread them apart.
(1) Have a brutally honest conversation about your sexual relationship. As you look forward to your marriage, ask each other these questions:
What do I do that makes you feel loved and valued?
What makes you feel distant and disconnected from me?
What are your hopes and desires for our sexual relationship?
What are your fears or insecurities regarding our sexual relationship?
How can I serve you in the things we’ve just talked about?
(2) Have an open and practical conversation about your finances.
What does your financial situation look like right now? How much are you each making? How much debt do you have? What monthly payments do you have?
If you have debt, how will you attack those payments and avoid incurring more debt?
If your monthly budget is in the negative or doesn't allow you to save enough, what do you need to cut in order make your budget work?
Looking ahead, which one of you will be the primary person for handling either the day to day bill paying or the big picture money management and investments? The same person could do both, but it doesn't have to be that way. Or you could decide that you want to work together on one or both of these elements.
Do you have any specific financial goals? What are they?
How can you ensure that you'll have healthy and proactive discussions about finances moving forward?