Session 3: Conflict & Communication
SCRIPTURE READING
1 Corinthians 13
Ephesians 4:25–31
REFLECTION
Have you and your future spouse had a good fight yet? How often do you fight? Many couples get nervous that they're fighting even before they get married, but the existence of fighting shouldn't cause too much concern. Conflict simply means your lives are overlapping enough for your convictions, dreams, fears, and sinful tendencies to come into contact. The fact that you are fighting means less than how you are fighting. Conflict is inevitable; how we handle that conflict is vital.
A big component of healthy communication is simply talking with each other about the things that matter to you. This ranges from talking about daily happenings to sharing about your deeply held convictions and beliefs. There's no set amount of communication that all healthy marriages exhibit, it's more about establishing healthy and regular patterns of communication. For example, you may make it a point to go for walks or sit together for a meal or coffee on a regular basis so you have time to talk and process. If your conversations wait until you have something important to talk about, your communication will be too sporadic. It's important to have regular times set aside in which you can simply share what's going on and how you're feeling.
Beyond that, talking through the conflicts that come is vital. Marriage inevitably disappoints. We're simply not going to have all of our expectations met. We'll even be sinned against by our spouse and some of our needs will go unmet. Too often, couples will ignore their frustrations and pains. While this might maintain a sense of peace in the short term, in the long term it eats away at your relationship. Some people turn inward and stop sharing what they're thinking and feeling. Other people turn outward and talk about their issues with other friends, family members, or coworkers. While it's helpful to process internally and to have trusted friends to talk to, a healthy marriage neither stuffs down feelings nor outsources the deeper communication. You need to learn now to process with your future spouse, and once you're married, you'll need to continually maintain habits of open, honest, and healthy communication.
When we feel hurt or when our desires or needs go unmet in marriage, we often turn to manipulation rather than open communication. It can be scary to tell our spouse directly what we want or need. So instead of being brave, we try to get them to do what we want them to do without directly asking them. This is manipulation. We act in a certain way that's designed to trick coral them into acting a certain way. While manipulation can be effective, it undermines the heart of a marriage, which is love. Manipulation is incompatible with love. When we love someone, we trust them with our feelings, needs, and dreams. When we manipulate someone, we treat them as means to our own ends.
The two passages you read in preparation for this session are 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians 4:25–31. Neither passage is about marriage, but both passages give powerful pictures of what loving communication looks like. If you haven't read those passages yet, stop now and read them. Paul's words in those two sections of Scripture should affect every relationship you have. But there is no relationship in which it's more important to put the words into practice than in your marriage relationship.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
How did your homework assignment from the previous session go? Is there anything you'd like to share based on that experience? Any insights or challenges you received?
What are some unhealthy ways you have responded to being hurt or not have your needs met? What are some unhealthy responses you've witnessed in other people?
What are some healthy ways you have responded to being hurt or not having your needs met? What are some healthy responses you've witnessed in other people?
How have you experienced a tendency in yourself to try to manipulate someone else to get what you want or need? What do you think would be a healthier alternative?
In preparation for this session, you read 1 Corinthians 13. Though this is not a passage about marriage, it gives a powerful description of love. What are some elements of this passage that should help frame your communication and conflict resolution strategies?
You also read through Ephesians 4:25–32. This passage is not about marriage either, but it gives a powerful description of godly communication. What are some elements of this passage that should help frame your communication and conflict resolution strategies?
HOMEWORK
Each of you spend 15 minutes on your own reading and praying through Romans 5:1–5, Hebrews 12:1–3, and James 1:2–8. First, read these passages slowly and carefully. Don’t think primarily about marriage; start by listening carefully to what these passages say about God. Pause after reading to reflect. Now read the passages again. This time, read the passages with an eye toward what this could mean in regard to your relationships with the people around you generally. After you’ve read this, spend a few minutes asking God to speak to you regarding the implications of these passages for your marriage. Listen for his promptings. Finally, read the passage one last time. This time, ask God to highlight a word or phrase to you. Don’t overthink this, just let that word, phrase or concept present itself. Then spend a few minutes talking to God about it: Why did this come to mind? What are the implications for marriage? When you’re done with this exercise individually, set aside some time to talk about what each of you experienced and learned. Compare your different experiences and ask how the similarities and differences of your experience can help you in your marriage.