Session 1: Setting Expectations
SCRIPTURE READING
Genesis 2:18–25
REFLECTION
Marriage was God's idea. First, God created human beings and endowed us with his own image (Gen. 1:26–27). Then he gave human beings a job to do: lovingly rule over the earth (Gen. 1:28) and take care of it (Gen. 2:15). It's in this context that God created marriage. First he had created Adam, then he created Eve to be "a helper fit (or suitable) for him" (Gen. 2:18, ESV, NIV, NASB). Other translations say "a helper corresponding (or comparable) to him" (CSB). The idea in any of these translations is that men and women are made to go together. More than that, men and women are made to work together.
It's not good for us to be alone. So God creates human community (which is certainly what the creation of another human being represents). And in a special and intense case of human community, God also created marriage, which is what the passage goes on to describe: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24).
This short description of marriage implies a past history for both the husband the wife: the man is going to leave his parents and begin a new life. There's both an ending and a beginning. On the positive side the passage speaks of beginning a new life in which the husband and wife "cling to one another." The Hebrew word (daraq) means "to cling, to stick to, to hold onto." It speaks of an active joining together, most powerfully pictured in the "the two becoming one flesh." A new unit is being formed. Two individual lives no longer float through life with their own agendas; now these two go through life holding on to each other. Their self-perception changes. To a significant extent, "I" turns into "we."
With regard to the ending implied in this passage, the man leaves his parents in order to hold onto his wife. It's more than the continuation of our previous approach to life, more than the continuation of life as it had been with our parents. A chapter ends and a new chapter begins with intentionality.
One of the major issues that can plague a marriage is the expectations each partner brings into the marriage. These expectations range from trivial to serious, but even trivial expectations can cause conflict and trouble if they're not expressed and addressed. There are so many areas in which we unknowingly carry expectations. For example:
Who does the cooking? What foods do I expect to eat? How much do I think should be spent on a home cooked meal? How often should we eat out? What constitutes an expensive meal out?
Who does the cleaning and laundry? How often should each of these tasks be done? What constitutes a clean or dirty house?
How much time should I spend with my friends? How much time should we spend socializing with other couples?
Should we do regular date nights? What should these look like? Should they be spontaneous or regular? How frequent should these be?
How do we decide what we watch and when we watch it? How much should we spend on entertainment?
Do we want to have kids? If so, how many? When? Who will be the primary caregiver? How should our kids be educated?
What car(s) should we drive? Is it okay to lease or should we buy? Are we comfortable with a car loan? How much is acceptable?
How often should we have sex? Who should initiate that and how? What are we comfortable with sexually and what's off limits?
How do we spend our money? Do we need to agree on all expenditures? Who will handle our day to day finances? Who will handle our big picture financial stewardship and investments? Should we be giving to our church or other charities? How much?
These are just a drop in the bucket of all the possible questions you'll face in your marriage. It's impossible to identify and express all of our expectations ahead of time. But it's good to start the naming of expectations in advance, and a healthy marriage will always have room for addressing unmet expectations, whether they've been expressed beforehand or not. In this session, you'll consider and discuss some major areas in which we tend to form unspoken expectations. Try to be reflective and honest as you prepare and as you share. It's not about getting the right answer to these questions, it's about self-evaluation and learning to hear and respond in healthy ways to your future spouse.
Before you jump into the discussion questions below, there is one major expectation that most of us carry into marriage that's simply wrong: Most of us expect marriage to make us happy. It's an understandable assumption. After all, we tend to get married because the person we're marrying makes us happy! We love that person deeply and we love the way we feel when we're around him or her. Very often, marriage does make us happy!
But if we start with the expectation that marriage is designed to make us happy, then what happens when marriage begins to make us unhappy? Too often, this expectation leads to broken marriages. Gary Thomas asks a question about our marriages that sums up much of Jesus' teaching on life in general: "What if marriage is meant to make us holy, not happy?" It's a vital question. Jesus never calls us to pursue our own happiness. Still less does he call us to break with people or tasks that make us unhappy. Instead, Jesus calls us to follow him. He calls us to be like him. He's a God who uses difficult situations, trials, and suffering to bring us closer to himself and to make us more like him.
So as you continue in your journey toward marriage, ask yourself if God wants your marriage to make you more happy or more holy? If God wanted to use some difficult marriage experiences to shape you into a more mature and more Christlike person, would you be willing to go through with it? If the answer is yes, then keep moving! If your honest answer is no, however, you're probably not ready for marriage. The truth is, being married to another sinful person will sometimes hurt. It will sometimes disappoint. It will sometimes make you unhappy. But if you're both following Jesus and intent on becoming more like him, then you'll find that marriage is one of the best tools God ever invented to make us more like himself.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
In 5-10 minutes each, share your upbringing and the life journey that led you to this moment.
What have you learned from watching the marriages of your parents and other married people you've been close to?
What are your hopes for your marriage?
When you think about being married, what fears come to mind?
In your own words, what is the difference between a marriage aimed at your own happiness versus a marriage aimed at your holiness and the greater Kingdom and glory of God?
HOMEWORK
Schedule a date in which you'll be in the right environment with plenty of time to talk. During this date, do your best to describe your expectations for your life as a married couple. Talk about anything that came up during Session 1. Include other expectations, such as if you want kids, when you want kids, how many kids you want, etc. Discuss your career goals and how that might affect your marriage. Discuss what you expect your spiritual lives to look like once you're married. What are you expectations regarding your existing friendships? How much time to you expect to devote to each other versus other friendships?
Talking about these things up front is healthy. But remember that you will be growing and changing as human beings, so discussing expectations should become a healthy conversation that you'll need to revisit throughout your marriage.