Introduction

"From the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

- Jesus (Mark 10:6–9)

Your Future MARRIAGE MATTERS

According to Jesus, marriage is a big deal. There are many reasons for this, but the words that Jesus uses to describe what happens when a man and woman get married get to the heart of it. What words does he use? "Holding fast," "becoming," and "joining." The effect of those words describes something like alchemy, where one substance is mysteriously changed into another. The man holds fast to his wife, which Jesus says amounts to two becoming one. How can two become one? Jesus explains: It happens because God joins them together.

There are many happy and practical reasons to marry someone you love. But the seriousness with which Jesus describes marriage, plus the fact that he takes us back to the second page of the Bible to describe it (c.f., Gen. 2:24), reminds us that marriage is not meant to be taken lightly. Marriage is fun, rewarding, and comes with hundreds of perks. But Jesus reminds us that at its core, marriage is a deeply spiritual reality.

When Paul described marriage in Ephesians 5, he also couldn't resist citing Genesis 2:24. But immediately after quoting the "two become one" passage, Paul said, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church" (Eph. 5:32). In other words, Paul wanted to be clear that he was not looking at marriage and saying, "Hey! That's kind of like Jesus and the Church!" Rather, Paul was claiming that God created marriage to be a picture of Jesus and his relationship to his Church. Marriage is a deeply spiritual reality. 

Because marriage matters so much, preparing for marriage is vital. If you continue with this study, you're making a worthwhile investment in something that God considers to be very important: your marriage. Some people talk about "premarital counseling" as though going through some version of premarital counseling will ensure that you have a great marriage, while skipping it while ensure you have a terrible marriage. That's not the case. There's nothing magic about premarital counseling, and there's simply no way walking through a handful of sessions can give you all the tools or insights you'll need to have a great marriage. But that's not to say premarital counseling isn't helpful. 

In general, the kinds of couples who are willing to invest in their marriage using material like this are building habits and identifying tools that will help them keep their marriage healthy over the long haul. In addition to that, the discussion based nature of this material will also give you a deeper connection to spiritual leaders who will be willing to care for you and your spouse and invest in your marriage for years to come. And that's invaluable. 

The purpose of the four simple sessions that follow is to get you and your future spouse talking about what you're about to do and how you can best do it. The content is less important than the habits these discussions will help you to build. The conversations you have with each other and with a trusted spiritual leader are the most valuable element of what you're about to do. With that in mind, please take this study seriously. Don't hold back. Be honest and reflective. The more you bring to light and work through before you're married, the better habits you'll carry into marriage with you. It's an investment that's well worth your effort. 

FOR THE ENGAGED COUPLE 

As you work through this material, you are encouraged to read the full session ahead of time. You'll find Scripture reading at the beginning of each of the four sessions. Start by reading those Scriptures and taking them seriously. Pray about what you're reading. Read those passages multiple times if you can. The point is to allow God to speak into your marriage before it even begins. 

The written reflection portion of each session is designed to orient you to some key concepts. It's far from exhaustive; there's so much more that can and should be said about each concept, and the four concepts chosen are only four among many important concepts related to marriage. Don't treat this short study as "everything you need to know about marriage." Instead, use it to get some healthy dialogue started under the guidance of a spiritual leader who can speak from their own experience and help you process as you prepare for marriage. 

The discussion questions are meant to be processed individually and together with your spouse. You'll likely get the most out of them by answering each question on your own before each meeting, then discussing them with your future spouse and spiritual leader during your sessions. It would also be helpful to process the overall session with your future spouse after each session ends. What came up that was interesting, confusing, helpful, or challenging? How do you want to apply what you discussed to your marriage?

Finally, each session ends with a homework assignment. You'll discover that this "homework" is far from difficult. Each assignment is meant to get you thinking, praying, and discussing. Through this four session study, you'll get more out of it if you put more into it. That's true for the homework as well. 

RECOMMENDED READING 

In addition to reading and reflecting on the sessions themselves, you and your future spouse would probably gain a lot of benefit from reading a full-size book on marriage. In an actual marriage book, you'll find much more practical material and a much broader range of topics. This study is not meant to accompany any particular book, but we suggest picking a book from the list of books below (or any other good marriage book that comes recommended from someone you trust) and reading and discussing that book at your own pace. The following books are all great, but they all have their own strengths and weaknesses:

• The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. This is the most academic book on this list, so it may not be ideal for everyone. But it's well written and very insightful.

• Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. This book leans more on the practical side and is very powerfully written.

• The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason. This book is more poetic and reflective. It's not impractical, but it's not full of helpful tips either. This for those who like to think in the big picture and be inspired.

• You and Me Forever by Francis and Lisa Chan. This book is very powerful in reframing marriage in light of God's glory and the concept of eternity. It's not very practical, but it's very inspiring and will help those who want to look at the big picture.

• This Momentary Marriage by John Piper. This is the shortest book on the list and is also inspiring, with a good blend of theology and practical wisdom.

FOR THE DISCUSSION LEADER(S) 

For those who are going to lead engaged couples through this material, your job is both easy and difficult. It's easy because everything is laid out below. You can and should ask the couple to read the passages of Scripture, read the reflection sections, and process the discussion questions ahead of time. Your time together with the couple could be as simple as asking them each discussion question in succession. In that sense, it's pretty straightforward.

But your job is also difficult because there is an art form to inviting healthy discussion and open communication. The goal isn't to answer all of the questions or learn all the facts. Your goal is to help this couple develop healthy habits that will help them glorify God in their marriage. Of course, it's not your job to cause spiritual growth. God does that. But you get the honor of discussing this material and any other marriage concepts that arise with a couple that's about to take a huge relational step forward. 

With that said, stay relaxed with the material and enjoy your time with the couple. You may decide to do all four sessions with an engaged couple. You might team up with a few other couples and each lead a session or two. The former approach brings consistency and helps you spot recurring themes. The latter approach brings diversity and gives the couple a chance to see how a few different marriages work. In either case, one of the greatest gifts you'll give this couple is a connection to people who will be there to support them once they're married. That's an incredible gift and a high honor. 

You'll have to choose how you want to lead these sessions. In many cases, it's ideal to co-lead these with your spouse, but that's not required. You could lead one couple at a time, or you could join two or more couples together. You could do all four sessions in subsequent weeks, or you might meet once a month for four months. There are pros and cons to every approach. 

It will often be helpful to answer these questions along with the couple. Let them start, but perhaps you and/or your spouse can fill in some context or provide more context. You might ask impromptu follow up questions to help the couple dig deeper. You could stop and address a potential issue as it comes up, or you could flag it for later discussion. If you run into anything you don't feel equipped to handle, talk to a pastor, counselor, a spiritual leader you trust. Remember that it's not about teaching them everything they'll need to know about marriage; it's about getting them to begin processing and helping them to build healthy habits as they prepare for marriage. 

Most important of all, be praying for the couple. Pray for them during each session and pray for them as they get ready for their wedding. Offer to be there for them and with them when life issues arise. You might even do a checkup meeting or two during their first year of marriage. Whatever you do, point them to Jesus and keep reminding them that true life is found in him and him alone.